If this seems typical of the thoughts of the average teenager, remember that there are also even more serious worries and pressures which can lead to teen mental heath issues. But all teens have some things in common:
Physical development– while their brains are in a major growth phase, they are not fully developed.
Social issues and friendships – who are you if you don’t have friends? Well, surely an unlikeable bad person. Let’s not forget that for some teens their friendships are the most valuable thing in their life… yes even more than family – and the universal nature of social media has amplified the pressures of friendship groups and made them a constant concern
Identity – who are they? Well, better get it right, as issues of identity, whether of race, class, sexual orientation or social clique can make or break whether a teen is accepted by others. This can become of top importance to teens. Working out being your authentic self can be a painful process and the casue of great deal of mental health pressure.
Exams are what will make or break your future, teens are told – if you are failing, will you end up disadvantaged throughout your life? Or if you excel at exams, will you feel distanced from your peers?
Why is common advice given to help with mental health issues often unsuited to teens?
My personal favourite (!) is just this – ‘try to breathe’. In theory this should work, the science is good, but trying to explain this to a teen can be a disaster. They are already breathing, they don’t believe they can control it right now, so you telling them this can just add annoyance on top of their anxiety.
‘Try not to think about it’ – thoughts just come when you are in any low mental state – teens don’t choose to worry, panic or get dark thoughts, they just happen. So you are asking them to do something they can’t… so now they feel more like a failure.
‘It’s all because of social media… let’s limit your screen time’. For many teens, their phone is their best source for distraction, connection and finding self-worth (even if it is from others, which isn’t ideal, but is better than them being stuck in self-criticism). Boundaries and the best use of this tool, understanding of how and why they use it will help. All this is far better than taking it away altogether.
‘It’s not all that bad, just wait till you have a mortgage, a job you hate and people who depend on you’. Or my personal hate… ‘Think about the people who have it worse than you.. when I was young I didn’t have the Internet, all these lovely things…’ etc etc.
All these approaches may seem reasonable, but they are rarely effective, and can make problems worse! So what are the alternatives?
What methods have you found effective?
Hands down, it has to be EMPATHY – not sympathy! Empathy is understanding THEIR world from THEIR shoes. Not ‘how you would feel in their position’, but understanding how they feel as a teen in this position.
How do you do this?… you listen (and listen to understand, not respond) and don’t try to fix (also not as easy as it sounds) – only if they ask for your advice/ideas should you jump in.
